Criminal

Who are you today,
sometimes I need to know.
I tried to google you
but haven't the courage
to type your name,
can't, won't, even
say it aloud.
I see you often
in the face of others
and in my nightmares but
differnt forms.
I know, I KNOW,
that if I were to locate you
I wouldn't be able to
stop myself from all
the things I've often
wanted to do in
return, revenge,
that which you deserve.
Or mabye just prove
that you didn't ruin me,
ruin my life. Fuck it up for
good. But then at times i've
allowed you to ruin my life,
you murdered a part in me,
the part that knew no fear
of who she wanted to be.
Now who I am is in some ways
defined by you, you who
had no right to enter my
life. I hate you, I feel for
you, I even sometimes long to
talk to you, hoping you would
confess your actions and
apologize. A fantasy I carry
with me into the darkest
depths to which I can sink.
That's where you are. Still
hidden in that black cave
of my tortured mind,
with no guilt or empathy
for me. And I go
there often, still, even
after all this time.