W to Ditmars
I sat next to your
brawn on the subway today,
and kept sliding closer,
feeling drawn.
I like not knowing you
but craving to be near.
Your legs are thick,
twice the size of my own,
and those sholders,
so broad, screaming
for my head to rest upon.
Hunched over, elbows on knees,
I see the profile
of your dark skin,
and you glimpse from
the corner of your eye
as I write.
I am a thief, baby,
I laugh to myself,
stealing a moment from you
on this long, lonely ride.
brawn on the subway today,
and kept sliding closer,
feeling drawn.
I like not knowing you
but craving to be near.
Your legs are thick,
twice the size of my own,
and those sholders,
so broad, screaming
for my head to rest upon.
Hunched over, elbows on knees,
I see the profile
of your dark skin,
and you glimpse from
the corner of your eye
as I write.
I am a thief, baby,
I laugh to myself,
stealing a moment from you
on this long, lonely ride.
posted by DeeM at 9:39 PM
14 Comments:
You can steal from me any day!
One thought, though, would "I'm a thief" instead of "I am a thief" be slightly more narrative? Just a thought.
this is a great moment. so many times i feel i am stealing moments and now you've wrote about it.
wonderful deem :)
Anonymous: I used 'I am' as opposed to I'm because I wanted that line and those words to be more declartive. taking real ownership of the moment because up until that second, i was giving all the power, energy to the man on the train. then when i saw him looking out of the corner of his eye, wondering what I was writing about, i realized it sort of shifted. thanks for your comments. you always make me think deeper into a piece.
Lorena: how can i express how much i appreciate your comments and feedback? i have a story last night, after logging in and seeing what you wrote, i didnt have time to say thanks and felt guilty for that because i feel its important. i went to my room and this guy next door was either locked out, accidentally or on purpose by is SO and for an hour i kept hearing a low, yet stong yell, 'lorena'. of course all i kept thinking about was you!
I really like it, were you writing while on the subway, or do you write in your head like me?
I love your Lorena story too!
me three, i like the lorena story too ;) that's sweet. i feel the same way. i love visiting your blog. i think i can really relate to a lot of what you write off and it's great to share our experiences. it makes me feel less alone.
and your comments/feedback to me are also very encouraging and they brighten my day, thanks girl :)
You Thought Gypsy!
Deem. Once again, thanks for sharing yourself with us. This is so intense, I'm addicted...
Lorena, I definitely feel the same!
Neel, I wrote it on the train while sitting next to him. but did some editing when i got home. how are you feeling?
jaxe, i love being your addiction! ;)
Absolutely lovely.
I am SO glad to have discovered your blog :D
Ash, thanks so much.
I'm glad you did too because now I know of yours. :)
i have had a couple of moments just like that and i have wanted to write about them, you have done it for me, thanks :)
i'm still amazed that you wrote this on the train! and i can completely relate to this poem. ahh, so many stolen moments between subway stops. =)
hey, gulnaz, no problem! ;)
stella, its kind of funny because as soon as you whip out your little notebook people start watching you wondering what you're up to.
The opening four lines are very satisfying. The rhythm turning over like the tube along the tunnel, the unexpected rhyme at the end echoing back to the 'brawn' you admire. This is a lovely poem. The closing line jolts us back into reality and shows how marvelous you've made the moment.
thanks for visiting timintotime and for the nice comments. lately, i feel most inspired riding the train at night. (most of the time after drinking) haha.
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